Small talk in this period of gloomy days

No organization for what I'm typing here. I just type what comes to mind.

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What I'm experiencing let me know I'm a human. Letting myself to be human is the first step of acceptance. Today I tried to talk to God and myself. It is not as smooth as I imagined. Yet I could clearly experience how messy my self-interruption and self-critiques were. I felt so helpless that I did not know where to begin with, and where to go. That's ok, at least I tried. Let's do it bit by bit. Just never stop trying.

Let's list the interruptions and defenses so I will be more aware in the coming days.

• Sleepiness or the urge to sleep
• "Don't stop. Find things to do. Don't let yourself think."
• Black-out
• Surfing the net (TV programmes & Facebook)
• "I am busy" (the preoccupying anxiety) "Don't waste time thinking about all those useless things."
• Punishment of wasting time "You deserve the helplessness and anxiety."
• Frightening myself "You can't do it."
• Avoid talking about avoidance or how I feel recently
• Avoid doing mindfulness

Sometimes I think what I'm experiencing is what my clients are experiencing. Good to know how it is like in this.

God talked to me in the morning

我的心困在無助裡好久，用力地向上帝吶喊求救。一早醒來，在我還沒清醒的時候，上帝跟我說話。我這才看見了一點希望。在那個腦袋空出來的時間，終於上帝的話能進入心裡。

有一刻，我好想徹底粉碎現在的生活方式，重新開始，卻束手無策。祂說：「若有人（持續不斷）在基督裡，他就是新造的人，舊事（持續不斷）已過，都（持續不斷）變成新的了。（林後 5:17 ）」

我討厭自己掙扎了好久都無法改變和戰勝私念與魔鬼的攻擊。祂說：「在人這是不能的，在神凡事都能。（太 19:26） 」人從來都沒有可能戰勝罪，於是耶穌來了、死了、復活了。人只有在基督裡才可以戰勝。

然後我責備自己明明之前幾次聽到上帝的聲音，卻一次一次地又墮回那個坑中，彷彿沒有聽過他說話一樣。祂告訴我：「這本是一場漫長的戰爭，不是一次的勝敗。接著你還要在此掙扎多遍，只是要知道我是你的神。只要向著我，你終會得勝。」從一開始，我逃避神。到後來用力向神呼求、聽神說話。祂說，這就是得勝的開始。我想起舊約中以色列人打仗的情境。上帝應許得勝，但祂從不直接擊殺敵人。祂要以色列人出軍征戰，有時期間經歷得勢與失勢。祂一直都是主帥，而祂應許的勝利從不落空。上帝以征戰的過程向以色列人顯明自己的力量和恩典，宣告：「我是你的神」。

在我心中的聲音吵鬧得怎樣也聽不清上帝的聲音時，祂選擇在早上對我說話。祂以這種方式告訴我，祂總有在我想像以外的方法救我。我想起約伯，即使他身為義人曾歇盡全力認識神，神最終仍告訴他「我超乎你的認識。你永遠未真正認識我全部的面貌。」更何況我非義人？

我還會再掙扎，還會離開神。不要緊，總有條繩子系著我和上帝，我走不遠的。上帝會在適當的時候救我回來，不讓我流離。祂一定會來找我。

Be My GOD, so I can Just be ME (the vulnerable me)

I can just be me - Laura Story
https://youtu.be/NAVMmHTO4hc
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Let Him be your God, so you can just be you. Stop trying to be your own God. You were trying so hard to be your own God that you were not meant to be and never will be. No wonder why you felt so tired chasing something with no end.

He says, "I am your God. Let me be your God." Not because He wants to hold the power. He IS the power anyway. He says so because He loves you and wants to save you from this exhausting paradox that you can never breakthrough without Him.

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Sometimes when you are in the mist, you attempt to answer All questions. And when you seek God, He says you don't need all the answers, and gives you JUST the answer you need. He IS the answer.

To my self critic/ About human nature/ Prayer

We've been insisting to live meaningfully every moment, in our every action, in our every decision. We do not allow ourselves to do "meaningless" things sometimes. I mean, we do not allow ourselves to do things we haven't seen a meaning.

Does it mean that it was meaningless when we don't see the meaning?

Acknowledge. Let's acknowledge that we are limited. Our mind is limited. Not knowing the meaning does not mean that the meaning does not exist.

We were bounded by the conscious mind. Yet, a lot of time, the answers are not in our mind, or not even in our heart. They can be in the subconscious level that we will not be able to access just right away. Your subconsciousness knows the meanings and the needs.

We don't need to purely rely on her all the time. Just, we can allow her to exist and grant some power in our lives sometimes. She has her own voice. She has her role and values in our lives. We don't need to be always judgmental, cuz you know we don't have the right and ultimate standards to judge. We are not God. We are limited.

Self-compassion also means being non-judgmental to our self.
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I believe at the moment God created human beings, His qualities are in us. Those beautiful qualities: compassion, sense of purpose, courage, sense of responsibility, righteousness, faith, joy... We already have all these in us. It's just because of the sin in the world that brings all the pain, all the constraints, all the misunderstandings, which buries all these beauty in ourselves, we are not allowed to be ourselves fully. If we can live ourselves fully, we are being the selves God originally created us as - the beautiful selves with all those beautiful qualities.

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Dear God,

I'm always not so sure whether what I believe at the moment is right. Please give me the wisdom to see the truth in You. If what I believe was wrong, mold me, teach me, adjust me, guide me. Bring me closer to the truth and to you. Let me see what you want me to see. Let me understand what you want me to understand. I know I can't do it without your help. Please, keep my heart, so that I won't leave you.

Trust God from the bottom of your heart;
don't try to figure out everything on your own.
Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go;
he's the one who will keep you on track.
Don't assume that you know it all.
Run to God! Run from evil!     
-Proverbs 3:5-7 (MSG)

Amen



It's not about how strong your belief is, it's about how willing and open you are to let God mold you.

難過，只是「難 過」

難過難過。在過的當下總覺得過不了。但難過只是很難渡過，卻總有一天會過去的。

自從知道難過只是難過而不是過不了，就不再那麼害怕難過，更不用再為難過而難過。
Every time I tell myself, "it too shall pass." Then, it really passed after some days. 然後下次難過，我會記得"it too shall pass." 上次走過，今次我會比上次堅強，所以今次也不會再如上次般難過。


(posted on FB 31.10.2016 at night)